Gundam Theater Presents: Hamlet
by Dumbledore'sDelight
Summary: A story (not a script) about the cast of Gundam Wing putting on a play, their own version of Hamlet. Probably something that they shouldn't have done... and honestly, they don't have the purest motivation, clearly noticable by the fact that the full titl
1. Act 1, Scene 1

_**Disclaimer**: We own nothing from _Gundam Wing, Masterpiece Theater, Austin Powers, Quest for Camelot, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Hamlet _or_ Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead._ We also do not own any of the songs listed in this story. We'll leave all of that credit to their creators/ writers/ singers/ songwriters... And if I knew who all of those people were, I'd list them. Also, no insults were intended for any of the singers/ songs/ performers... this was all written in good fun! The few times we quoted (or nearly quoted) songs or lyrics were also not intended to be ours ("Suicide is Painless" lyrics, a few brief snippets of _R&G are Dead_ and tweaked versions of _Hamlet_ lines and _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ lines.)_

_Now, please, sit back, relax, and enjoy Gundam Theater..._

**Gundam Theater Presents:**

**Hamlet**

**(_AKA: How to Off Releena in Ten Scenes or Less)_**

_Now for a brief description of our cast and crew (if this seems like a weird format, it was originally posted in play format, but as we can't post scripts, it was pulled. Now, it is no longer a script, so all should be good!) Hamlet will be played by Duo. Horatio is Heero. Polonius is Releena. Claudius is Lady Une. Ophelia is Wufei. The Player is Trowa. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (or Guildenstern and Rosencrantz) are Treiz and Zechs. Queen Gertrude will be played by some random anime guy. (Take your pick. We don't care.) Laertes will be played by Quatra. As for our crew, Quatra is the director, and Trowa is in charge of music (God help us all!)_

**And on to our first act and first scene.**

Releena and Heero are standing onstage. Releena gushes to Heero, "Oh, He-chan! I'm so glad you invited me to be in this play!

Heero says nothing, his hand twitching on the scabbard of his sword.

Releena continues, "And it's so brave of you to use real swords! You're so daring, He-chan!" Her eyeballs turn into little pink hearts.

Heero takes aim at the little pink hearts. Suddenly he realizes the gun is only in his head, and all he has now is the sword for the play. He mentally curses Duo for taking away his gun.

At that moment, Quatra comes out, clapping his hands for attention. "Places! Places! Let's get started, people!" He notices Heero contemplating whether to kill Duo or Releena.

Before he can think too much about it, Wufei bursts into the scene from a dressing room backstage, wearing a dress of an undetermined, but ugly color. "Dishonorable director! You did not tell me that Ophelia is a girl's name!"

Quatra sighs. "But Wufei, you're the scholar! I thought you knew this play! _You_ picked this part!"

"I just picked it because I thought I died quickly," Wufei snaps.

Music begins blaring from stage left. "Walk Like a Man" plays full volume!

Wufei attempts to hit Quatra, only to see Trowa staring at him from over the speakers with one of his sisters knives. There is a stare-down until the song ends.

Just then, Duo comes out singing, "I feel pretty. Oh so pretty!" He begins humming when he stops knowing the words, which is two sentences in. "Heero," he says cheerfully, "want to help me with these tights?" Duo tugs on the tights, which are beginning to twist uncomfortably on him. That is all he's wearing.

Quatra sweatdrops. "Duo, as Hamlet, you're supposed to wear a tunic over that.

Duo looks down. "But I think I look good." He turns to Heero once again. "Hey, Heero, you aren't wearing _your_ tights."

Heero's hand tightens on his sword as he imagines it's a gun.

Releena tries to break the tension, asking, "So, who am I playing?"

"Polonius," Quatra replies. "You just stand there..." He points to where she is. "And here..." He points stage left. "And then here behind this curtain." He points to a tapestry stage right. "It's _very_ important that you stay behind the curtain, no matter what. In fact... let's just start you at the curtain."

Releena hesitates, looking at the creepy curtain.

"Heero wants you to," Quatra says.

Caution thrown to the wind, Releena flounces off to curtain. "Okay!" she says brightly with a mental image of her and Heero smooching behind it.

Heero chases Releena with his sword, trying to pop the thought bubble.

Quatra gets in Heero's way, forcing him to stop. "Not yet..."

Zechs and Treiz appear out of nowhere. "We've been summoned." Wind blows past them, north northeast.

Quatra shakes his head. "No! No! Not yet! Go!"

Zechs and Treiz wander off. Zechs is making a paper gundam suit. He pauses momentarily, commenting, "Oh, and Duo... you're right. The tights _do_ fit better without underwear."

"Go!" Quatra snaps.

Lady Une drools from stage right. A thought bubble appears over her head stating, "They _were_ summoned..."

"Okay," Quatra says, "we really have to _do_ the actual acting part now. Places!"


	2. Act 2

**Gundam Theater Presents:**

**Hamlet**

**(_AKA: How to Off Releena in Ten Scenes or Less)_**

The lights dim and act two begins. Our scene is in a crypt with dead bodies. Duo stands along with the song from _Quest for Camelot_, "I Stand Alone" playing behind him.

Heero wanders in, peeking into each coffin to see if it's someone _he_ killed. He keeps count on his fingers. "Killed you, killed you, didn't kill you, killed you, killed you, wanted to kill you, killed you, killed your brother, not dead yet..." He pulls out his sword and stabs the body. "Okay... killed you..."

Duo taps his foot and points at himself. "Hello! Star here! Anyway, I don't think Horatio is even in this scene..." He glares at Heero who isn't paying any attention. "Stop stabbing the bodies!"

Heero stares at him silently, but sheaths his sword.

Duo, satisfied, takes up a mock dramatic pose, forgets his lines, and quickly ad libs. "To be or not to be... uh... dead."

"Do I have a say?" Heero asks.

Duo ignores him and continues. "Should I shoot—um—slings and arrows at myself... or would that be a really stupid way to die? Or should I oppress people to make them want to kill me?"

"I want to kill you," Heero interrupts again.

"Monologue, Heero," Duo snaps. "That means me. Just me!" He giggles. "Hey, that's funny... Duo doing a monologue." He giggles again... then clears his throat and continues. "Anyway, to die, to sleep. To die in my sleep. TO dream about dying in my sleep, which is more like a nightmare... To be put in a box. To be asleep in a box. I wouldn't want to sleep in a box... not without any air."

Zechs yells from offstage, "My line!"

"No!" Quatra calls from offstage, "wrong play! Bad Zechs! Back in your box!" He presses the button on a remote to the shock collar that for some unknown reason Zechs allowed Quatra to put on him.

"Ow," Zechs said.

Lady Une walks up to the director. "Quatra, I'll hold the shocker remote for you while you direct."

Quatra hesitates. Then he spots Heero trying to stab Duo. "Okay, fine." He tosses the remote to Lady Une and runs to yell at Heero again.

Lady Une chuckles.

Duo is now standing on a tall coffin, trying to yank out the stone sword from the statue's hand for self defense.

Lady Une pushes the button.

"Ow!" Zechs says again, casually adjusting the collar with his finger.

Quatra approaches the coffin. "Duo, there was a sword with the rest of your costume if you'd _wear_ it." He watches Heero take another swipe at Duo, and considers getting a shock collar for Heero. He realizes that Heero would like it too much. A thought bubble appears over Quatra's head of a chibi Heero pushing the button on his own shock collar and giggling.

Duo takes the moment of distraction to slip off of the coffin and go backstage for the rest of his costume. He returns moments later with the sword and a very large gold cross. He glares at Heero as he passes, holding the cross in front of Heero's face.

Heero just raises an eyebrow and says nothing.

Duo mutters, "Worth a shot," and puts the crucifix around his neck.

Releena whines from behind the curtain, "He-chan... I'm lonely!"

Heero looks at Duo, "Get on with it..."

Duo whispers loudly to Quatra, "What was my line?"

Quatra sweatdrops, frustrated. "Next scene!"

"Finally," Heero mutters.


	3. Act 3

The stage goes black. A short while later, when the lights are up again, act three starts, setting us in Gertrude's bedroom.

Duo stands alone onstage, looking around. "Something's missing." Suddenly he realizes it's Hamlet's mommy, and starts to cry. "I've always had abandonment issues!" He starts going up to random tapestries, saying to each, "Have you seen my mommy?"

Releena starts coming out from behind her curtain. "I'll comfort you."

Everyone, including Duo yells "Get back behind the curtain!"

Releena stops with a deer in the headlights look and slowly backs behind the curtain.

Quatra sighs. "Who was supposed to play Gertrude?"

Duo raises his hand. "Oh, I know! I think it was the guy in the coffin that Heero stabbed last scene!"

Quatra glares at Heero who ignores him, polishing his sword on a curtain.

Releena cries out from behind that curtain, "Ow!" as she's jabbed.

"We need a Gertrude," Quatra says.

"Yeah," Duo adds. "I get the bed fight scene with her."

Lady Une pops in. "I'll be Gertrude!"

"No!" Quatra says, exasperated. "You're Claudius. You can't play your own lover."

Lady Une pouts. "Why not?"

"No."

Lady Une sulks and pushes the remote button."

"Ow!" Zechs says from offstage.

"Why not Heero?" Duo asked. "It's his fault."

"I already have a role," Heero says, shooting a glare at Duo. "I'm your best friend. Now shut up or I'll kill you."

Duo bats his eyelashes at Heero. "Don't you want to be my lover?"

Music plays in background. The Spice Girls song, "Do You Want to be My Lover?" plays. Everyone stops what they are doing and stares in the direction of Trowa.

"Is there something you want to tell us, Trowa?" Duo asks. "Maybe about your..." he drops his voice to a loud whisper... "sexual preferences?"

Heero twitches.

"Turn it off, Trowa," Quatra says.

"But I like this song!" Releena exclaimes, her voice slightly muffled by the curtain.

Heero, fed up, walks back to the curtain. He stabs Releena. Then he walks back to Trowa and the CD player, hits stop, takes the CD out and snaps it in half. Then he hands the broken pieces of the CD back to Trowa, walking away again.

"Heero!" Quatra snaps, enraged.

Heero turns to look at him. "Polonius dies this scene. We had no Gertrude. This sufficed. And the CD sucked."

Trowa just smirks.

"He has a point," Duo says thoughtfully.

Releena calls for help from behind the curtain. "Heero! Come back and kill me!" she adds.

"I just did," Heero says emotionlessly. "Now, shut up and die." This is probably one of the longest speeches Heero has ever given.

"Wow," Duo says. "That was almost a monologue for you."

Heero glares at him. "You know, Hamlet dies in this play, too..."


	4. Act 4

And we finally make it to Act four. There is blue material onstage to represent water. Two chairs are set up in front. Lady Une sits in one as Claudius. Gertrude's chair is still empty. Lady Une periodically pats that chair suggestively when males and females all wearing pants (except for Wufei) walk by.

Wufei comes out with Quatra, and is once again in a distinctly ugly colored dress. He stares at Quatra. "I don't dance."

Duo comes out right after them, and says brightly, "But you also said you don't wear dresses, and see how pretty you look!" He starts putting flowers in Wufei's ear.

Wufei growls, "I am not _pretty_, you stupid-- (he rambles out swear words in an unknown alien language.)

Duo looks at Wufei. "That's not very ladylike." He ducks and runs away as Wufei attacks.

Quatra glares at both of them, but especially Wufei. "Wufei, would you just come over here and drown?"

Wufei stops and sends the director an indignant look. "I will not die in such a dishonorable way. I'll have you know that I'm an excellent swimmer!"

Quatra looks like he wanted to beat his head against something in frustration. "It's a _play_! A _play_! It isn't real. Anyways, maybe Ophelia is an excellent swimmer. We don't knkow. But we do know that she's crazy now, so she drowns."

Wufei sends Quatra a suspicious look. "Are you saying I'm mentally unstable?"

Quatra smirks sarcastically, still trying to keep his rising temper in check. "Wherever would I get _that_ idea?"

"I'm not crazy."

Quatra finally loses it, grabbing Wufei by the shoulders and shaking him. "Listen," he says through clenched teeth. "Take your flowers, skip around Claudius, and drown, or so help me, I'll drown you myself."

Sufficiently scared, Wufei takes his flowers and skips.

The song "Toxi" starts playing in the background. No one speaks.

Quatra sends a death glare at Trowa who stops the CD and slinks away.

Lady Une, bored, pushes the button again.

"Ow!" Treiz exclaims.

"I told you it hurts," comes Zech's voice from backstage. "Now give it back."

Wufei throws flowers and other random objects at Lady Une, hoping to at least knock her out. "I'm crazy, right?" he asks when Quatra sends him a sharp look.

Quatra decides to let it slide, as Wufei _is_ actually skipping in a dress.

Wufei finally skips to the "water" and lies down as stiff as a board.

"That doesn't look like drowning," Duo complains. "Haven't you ever drowned anyone before?"

"No," Wufei replies. "Have you?"

"'Course not, but I've watched Heero do it."

All eyes turn to Heero who shrugs. "My gun was wet." Suddenly he realizes new advantages of the sword.

"Wufei," Duo continues, "you're too stiff."

"Dead bodies are stiff."

"Not during the dying process," Duo states.

"Oh, just let him die how he wants," Quatra pleads.

Trowa jumps out onstage out of nowhere wearing his Player costume. "As long as there's blood! Blood's compulsory! They're all blood!"

Quatra sighs. "Once again... wrong play."

Duo looks confused. "You don't bleed when you drown..."

"Depends," Heero says.

"On what?"

Heero raises an eyebrow. "If I stab you first."

"Aw, our relationship has finally progressed to threats of death by close-range weapons. Should I write up the invitations?"

"That's it, you two," Quatra snaps. "I'm separating you. Heero, go stage right. Duo, stage left. Let's just get on with the duel. I feel the need to stab one of you anyway."

Duo laughs nervously, unused to the easygoing pilot losing his tempter like this. "Funny, Quatra."

"I'm Laertes this scene," Quatra replies grimly. "Un Guard."

Duo runs. "Where'd you get a sharp sword? Heero had the only sharp sword, and that was only to make him agree to lose the gun."

Heero suddenly realizes something and looks around. "Hey, where _is _my sword?"


	5. Act 5, Scenes 1& 2: Saying Goodbye

And Finally... we come to act five... scene one... "Saying Goodbye..."

Duo stands alone with a spotlight on him in the middle of the stage, ready for his monologue. "If we killers have offended, think a minute and all is mended. You came to watch Releena die..." He stops, and tries to find a good rhyme, muttering to himself... "try... fly... buy... tie... cry..." He pauses at "cry" considering. Then he shakes his head. "Nah..."

Quatra storms onto the stage, shouting, "Wrong play. Don't _any_ of you read?" He shoves Duo offstage. "Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls."

Trowa begins freaking out and starts looking for clown mask with an "Oh shit! I'm late!" look on his face.

Quatra sighs and ignores him. "Anyway, we hope you were entertained by our production of William Shakespeare's _Hamlet_ and Tom Stoppard's _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_... with apparent special guest performances by Brittany Spears, The Spice Girls, and various other artists which have nothing to do with Shakespeare." He sighs again. "Oh, who are we fooling? We don't care if you're entertained or not. The point of this play was to kill Releena. And we finally did it... without the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads that was suggested by one of our cast." He glares at Duo, who is offstage, whistling innocently and not making eye contact. "We have succeeded in our goal." Quatra motions grandly and spotlight shines on the ever-expanding pool of blood under curtain. "Please note that Releena was the only person who was permanently hurt during the making of this show. Oh yes... and of course... Gertrude. "He shoots an evil look at Heero who doesn't seem to care. "We hope you were at least vaguely amused by Gundam Theater. Thank you and goodnight."

_Masterpiece Theater_ music plays.

Quatra is surprised. "Hey, Trowa! You got it right!"

The curtains close.

And we begin act five, scene two, which is the final act (finally...) It is now two hours later, and those actors who are still alive are leaving the theater.

Lady Une is harrassing Zechs. "Won't you come home with me? No?" She pushes the button, giving him a shock. "How about now?" She pushes the button repeatedly.

Zechs jumps a little with each shock. "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Duo is watching them, mildly disturbed. He turns to Heero. "Have you ever thought about being dead in a box, Heero?"

Heero looks at him. "Yes. Want to try?"

Duo throws an arm around Heero's shoulders. "Only if you want to join me, babe!"

Quatra approaches Troa. "So, where did you get that music, anyway?"

Trowa whispers something in Quatra's ear.

"Oh." Quatra glances at Duo and Heero, who are walking away, with a slightly amused look. "Maybe I should let Duo borrow one of my books..."

Meanwhile, inside, Wufei is still lying on the blue material onstage, asleep in the ugly dress. Flowers are stuck in both ears with a trail of petals leading suspiciously to a Hamlet costume.

Music starts playing. "_A grave man once requested me to answer questions that are key. 'Is it to be or not to be?' And I replied, oh why ask me? Suicide is painless. It—"_

Wufei, eyes still closed, pulls out gun and shoots CD player. Song stops. He puts the gun away and remains motionless. "Suicide is dishonorable."

**The End**

_Author's note: Thanks for reading our story! We hope you liked it. Keep your eyes open, because we are hoping to add more to _Gundam Theater_ when we get a chance. And sorry it sounds kind of stilted. Originally it was written in script format, but we had to change it to post it here. It doesn't do as well in prose. But we think the humor is still there. Anyway, just a few more things:_

_Anyone who wants to donate interesting swear words in different languages for use to contemplate Wufei having said to Duo in Act four, feel free to email us the words, pronunciation, language and definition. Email is on our bio page. We probably won't add it to the story, but we find it amusing that we could learn something from a story such as this..._

_Please review! It makes writing something like this feel sooooo much more worthwhile. Believe it or not, dumb though it is, it took time!_

_If you want the full impact of the humor on this, you really should read _Hamlet_ and _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_ and_ Gundam Wing _at least. All three are worth the time. And each has a great movie version... or in GW's case, anime. (Knowing the songs quoted in here wouldn't hurt either.)_

_Bye!_


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